Nuhafu Does Not Mean Happy Birthday In Japanese
by WickedGame
Summary: What do 4 male cancan dancers, a flying black heel, and an obscene happy birthday song have to do with Wufei? They are all present at his birthday party. 4th fic in my Drunken Debauchery Series.


Title: 'Nuhafu' Does Not Mean 'Happy Birthday' In Japanese (Fourth story in my "Drunken Debauchery Series")

Author: WickedGame

Archive: ffnet, and anyone else who wants to needs only to ask

Category: Humor, one-shot.

Rating: M or NC-17 depending on how you look at it.

Warnings: Crossdressing, drunken revelry, foul language, lewdness, naked Gundam asses, sexual innuendoes, double entendres. Also, you may want to not be eating or drinking anything while reading this.

Spoilers: Hmmm…don't think so!

Notes: We must all give praise to Ammendiana. When I asked her, "So, what do you think would be cool to do to Wufei?" her answer was, "Four male can-can dancers". I swear I almost crashed my car laughing. Beta-ed by FantasyOrReality. Fourth fic in my "Drunken Debauchery Series". I do not own "The Lumberjack Song", which is probably owned by the Monty Python people. I do not own Gundam Wing.

"I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers! I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars! He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wild flowers! He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars? He's a lumberjack and he's okay! He sleeps all night and he works all day! I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra! I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa! He cuts down trees, he wears high heels? Suspenders and a bra? He's a lumberjack and he's OK! He sleeps all night and he works all day! Hey!"

A large crowd was gathered at the nicest supper club in town, renowned for its strong drinks and fabulous food. They were there to celebrate the birthday of one Chang Wufei, or Wufei Chang, or however they were saying it these days. The waiter had noticed that it was said both ways, and was curious as to why no one just asked the guy what he wanted to be called. Wouldn't that save a lot of time and heartache? The waiter listened as there were more drinks ordered, and then he went to make sure the drinks were made in a sensible amount of time.

"Where the hell did those assholes go?" Wufei asked, looking around for his four best friends. They had excused themselves not long ago, after Duo and Quatre had raced to down four shots of tequila apiece. Heero and Trowa had been having some weird argument about Zechs Merquise that Wufei had not been privileged to hear right before they left.

"Who knows, baby? But you know what I do know? I really shouldn't drink this much! Wait, did that make sense?" Sally said with a raucous laugh.

"You are very drunk!" Wufei laughed at his longtime girlfriend.

"No way, Jose. I am sober as a … as a …. Fuck it. I can't even think straight about it. But that does not mean I am drunk!" Sally was apparently emphatic that she was not drunk, no matter what the physical evidence and such. Sally could have ten beers and still tell you she was sober as a judge. Of course, what that really meant was that she was as sober as an alcoholic judge just off his shift. Sally Po could not even find her way out of a paper bag when she was drunk.

Can you tell that they all gave Sally quite the hard time about being drunk? If not, then I, the narrator, cannot help you. You my friend, have no sense of humor. Please go get one. Go. Shoo!

Wufei joined in another raucous drinking song, and then the curtain on the stage began to part. Wufei had no clue who turned on the string heavy and quite brash music, but everyone started to laugh.

"Why is everyone laughing?" he asked Sally.

"Haven't you ever heard can-can music?" Sally said disbelievingly.

"Can-can? French burlesque dance, right?" Wufei asked the agent on his right. Damned if he could remember the guy's name.

"Hell yeah!" the man shouted.

Wufei got this sinking feeling that this may have something to do with the four drunk and missing pilots. He groaned out loud and waited for the inevitable.

Everyone laughed uproariously as the four pilots came out on the stage. Where did they get the damned costumes to keep doing this shit? Wufei reasoned quickly that with Quatre being rich and Duo having connections, they probably had the process sewn up real right, as tight as the corsets they were wearing.

They were all wearing black leather heels, and black fishnet stockings. The dresses they wore were hot pink, and trimmed in black lace all over. Their faces were gaudily made-up, and their hair was covered with elaborate blond wigs. Duo obviously had been the drunkest: his wig was on backwards and the lipstick on his face was smeared to the point of looking like a clown. Of course, the fact that Heero had pinned him against a wall and devoured his mouth before they went onstage may have had something to do with it too.

They joined arms and began a kick line. Right leg prep, right leg kick. Left leg prep, left leg kick.

"Where the fuck did you learn to can-can, Yuy?" Sally yelled out.

"Same place your husband learned to fuck!" Heero shot back over the music. Quatre laughed so hard he kicked wrong. His heel flew off his foot and through the air. Wufei winced when he heard glass bottles at the bar breaking.

"I'm not married to her!" Wufei yelled. Quatre was now totally out of sync.

"Might as well be! Never seen someone so pussy whipped! Now boys, kick higher!" Duo yelled. The kicks increased in height, and then there was a chorus of groans, a symphony of chuckles, and a cacophony of swear words.

"Apparently, they must have thought can-can dancers wore no underwear!" Sally laughed.

Indeed, the boys were wearing no underwear. With every kick, ball sacks and flaccid penises were flashed. Wufei turned his head. Some people whistled, others yelled in frustration and even a little embarrassment.

As the song came to a close, the boys turned around and one by one flipped up their pink skirts. Their asses held a message, buttcheek by buttcheek.

Hap py

Birth day

Wu Cha

Fei Ng

The audience roared with laughter. Wufei stood with his fist in the air.

"How could you spell me name wrong?" he yelled.

"We couldn't remember exactly how it went, and Wucha Feing sounded much better at the time, right guys?" Heero explained. The other boys nodded in agreement, asses still in the air. The boys were poorly balances on their heels, and quickly found themselves falling over from drunkenness and perilous stature.

As Wufei's cake was wheeled out, there was a resounding, if totally fucked chorus of 'Happy Birthday'. It went something like this, as led by the bare-assed can-can dancers who were piled together on the stage:

"Happy Birthday to you,

Fuck you in the loo,

You look like an asshole,

And smell like one too!"

"You will all pay dearly for this!" Wufei shouted.

When a whole room is laughing at the same joke and you do not enjoy it, life can be hard. Poor Wucha Feing.


End file.
